In his very first appearance

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Canada Goose Online Sometimes it’s the people closest to us that we know the canada goose uk head office least. We’ve all had that moment when we first found out that our best friend prefers cheap canada goose bodywarmer The Monkees to The Beatles, that our significant other believes wrestling is real, or that our favorite uncle once killed a homeless man in Kentucky over a bottle of Night Train. Well, fictional characters are like that too: With just a little bit of digging, you can uncover all sorts of messed up crap that’ll ruin all the things you used to love. So let’s get canada goose outlet fake started on doing that! Canada Goose Online

The ninja turtles have seen more incarnations than some Hindu gods. They’ve been in cartoons, comic books, movies and even a rock band with a bunch of guys in secondhand Muppet costumes. You know the gist, though: Wacky pals who spend their days skateboarding, eating pizza, cracking wise and jumpkicking morality into confused teenage Foot Clan members.

Cold blooded killing machines. If you’ve only seen the movies or cartoon shows, you’re probably vaguely aware of their origin story. After being exposed to radioactive ooze, four turtles were raised as ninjas by their adoptive father Splinter, a giant rat who’s basically like Yoda with parasites.

Canada Goose Parka In the very first issue of the comic series, Splinter reveals why he’s been training the turtles for 13 years: to kill Shredder. Not “bring him to justice” or “stop the evil foot clan,” but specifically to murder this one man for Splinter’s personal revenge. They were single purposed hit turtles, trained by their insane master for over a decade just to take one life. The comic doesn’t show much of that lovable father son relationship that the turtles have with Splinter in the cartoon, either. They are not a loving family obliging their master’s wishes out of affection and duty; they’re just Splinter’s pre programmed death machines. Canada Goose Parka

canada goose factory sale That’s Leonardo the boring moral center of the group, the generic good guy, the default leader character that nobody wanted to pick when it came time to declare which turtle you wanted to be and he is straight up brutally canada goose uk outlet murdering a man with a sword. After Leo stabs Shredder, the rest of the turtles surround the mortally wounded man and tell him in no uncertain terms that he can either be dishonorably murdered (by them) or else honorably commit seppuku, which is essentially suicide by disembowelment. canada goose factory sale

He refuses and eventually dies while trying uk canada goose store to kill the turtles, but really picture that first scene: Wisecracking Raphael, nerdy Donatello, noble Leonardo and Michelangelo fucking Michelangelo with his surfer accent and cowabunga attitude are all standing around an injured man trying to force him to cut his own guts out. And this was not a weird, unique misstep in an otherwise harmless comic. Nearly all of the early Turtles books were absolutely filled with the kind of ultraviolence that would make Alex DeLarge dry heave stomach bile onto his loafers.

Casper, the Friendly Living Child. Really stop and think about the implications there. This is a dead kid, forever haunting the Earth, unable to rest. That’s the protagonist for your children’s cartoon: a tortured apparition who spends all of his time in a graveyard, hanging out behind his own gravestone.

Casper kind of sucks at being a ghost.

It’s all fairly disturbing and obvious once you stop to think about it, but Casper creator Harvey Comics won’t cop to it: Its official stance since the 70s is that ghosts are simply supernatural creatures, like goblins, and friendly ghosts like Casper are born when two adult canada goose outlet in montreal ghosts love each other very much. Except that explanation actually contradicts some of its earlier cartoons, like “There’s Good Boos Tonight”, in which Casper befriends a fox that is later killed by hunting dogs. Casper weeps over the fox’s body and even puts together a little grave for it, but the fox immediately comes back as a ghost and they go right back to romping. That may be in competition with Futurama’s “Jurassic Bark” episode as the most depressing cartoon plot ever, but it has absolutely no competition for Worst Lesson Ever Taught to Children.

“Go ahead and ride Waffles into the street, Billy! If he dies, he’ll just come right back

and keep playing, but now he can run through doors! Yaayyy, Waffles!”

uk canada goose And if he’s just a friendly, canada goose outlet toronto untroubled spirit who has always been that way, then why, canada goose black friday 2019 uk in some of the early cartoons, does Casper seems less “friendly” and more “clinically depressed”? Half the shows follow the same basic format: Casper tries to make friends, scares friends away, immediately tries to commit suicide. In his very first appearance, titled “The Friendly Ghost” Casper fails to win lifelong companions within the first couple of minutes, so his next step is to go lie down on a train track. He did the same thing in the comic book series, too: trying to off himself by jumping from a cliff, and then again by tying himself to a rock and jumping into the ocean. It all kind of makes us question how Casper became a ghost in the first place. uk canada goose

But don’t worry! The 1995 live action movie puts all those concerns to rest.

It flat out says his name was Casper McFadden and he died of pneumonia.

A some time enemy, some time friend of Super Mario, Birdo is a recurring character in many Nintendo games, usually shooting canada goose uk official eggs at other characters, but sometimes not. That’s called “depth of character,” folks. Look it up.

canada goose coats on sale A dude. Birdo’s a transvestite, or possibly even transgendered, and it has always been that way. When the pink, bow wearing dinosaur first showed up in Super Mario Bros. 2, the instruction booklet claimed, “He thinks he is a girl and he spits eggs from his mouth. He’d rather be called ‘Birdetta.’” canada goose coats on sale

That’s not an American translator having one last hurrah before they fire his ass for stealing forks from the lunchroom, either. That’s a fairly accurate translation from the original Japanese booklet, where the character is called “Catherine” but prefers being called “Cathy.” In fact, the Japanese booklet even uses the word “omoikomu” for canada goose outlet “thinks,” which more accurately translates to “wrongly believes.” That’s right: There was a small section in the Super Mario Bros. 2 handbook that was dedicated solely to passing judgment on Birdo’s sexual identity.

The weirdness could have ended there if not for Nintendo’s policy of sticking every character it owns into every video game it makes, and then pairing up said characters into opposite gender relationships: Mario has Princess Toadstool, Luigi has Daisy, Donkey Kong has Candy Kong and Yoshi has. Birdo.

It’s all the same in the dark. Right?

Hey, we’re not here to judge. Maybe Yoshi’s just kind of a freak like that.

Canada Goose Coats On Sale But the prudes over at Nintendo of America have tried to downplay canada goose lorette uk the transgender angle. They’re too timid to make a final decision on what the sexually confused dinosaur really is, but in Japan at least, we know Birdo is definitely a guy. The Japanese website for Super Mario Kart Double Dash describes Birdo thusly: “It appears to be Yoshi’s girlfriend, but is actually his boyfriend!? He participates in the race with eggs.” Canada Goose Coats On Sale

canada goose clearance sale Cubone is a Pokemon, and though its cuteness can never hope to reach Pikachupian levels of adorability, there are still millions of children the world over who would gladly never see their parents again if it meant getting a real life whatever the hell this thing is. Like all of its Poke brethren, Cubone was given a hastily cobbled together backstory, which was completely ignored by the kids because, turns out, they don’t give two shits about story so long as you’ve got a cute animal that barfs fireballs. canada goose clearance sale

canada goose black friday sale An Oedipal lizard. The most distinctive thing about Cubone is that over sized skull it wears on its head. It could be clever camouflage, or the skull of a vanquished enemy, or even the Cubone’s own exposed bone. But it’s not. canada goose black friday sale

That’s the skull of its dead mother.

The exact quote from the game: “It always wears the skull of its dead mother, so no one has any idea what its hidden face looks like.” Originally, the game designers were going to name the creature “Orphan,” but they wisely went with “Cubone” instead because it sounds like “cute” and “bone” and these kids they’re not exactly discerning critics who want to appreciate the subtle lessons that tragedy teaches us, OK?

Back in the swinging 70s, the McDonald’s marketing campaign revolved almost entirely around McDonaldland, a fictional fairy land where French fries grew on trees. It was populated by characters like Ronald McDonald, Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar, whose obsession with stealing and eating burgers quickly becomes unsettling when you realize that in McDonaldland, hamburgers are people.

“A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with McNuggets and a vanilla milkshake. Rabble rabble.”

canada goose Garfield’s dog pal, whose hobbies included drooling, staring vacantly and being kicked off tables. God, there are just layers upon layers! This here is comedy Steinbeck, people canada goose.

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